Bladder of Steel

Except when doing jumping jacks. Or laughing. Or coughing.

Smart me- I know better than to laugh or cough (now!) without doing that super-sexy leg cross. Models have sold it as making them look thinner for pictures, but I know the truth; they’ve had children. But crossed legged jumping jacks are dangerous. Especially if combined with ill-placed matchbox car and bare feet.

But sometimes it seems as if my bladder has recouped the storage capacity that was once in my brain. I mean, it’s not like I have the opportunity to just go to the bathroom when I first note the urge.

1) Driving
I’m certainly not going to stop, get out, get them out, and haul them both into a public restroom just to pee. Hell no–I’ll just hold it until I get home.

2) Out in public (e.g., children’s museum)
Interrupting Small People while they play with friends. Dragging them into a public restroom, kicking and screaming. Maintaining the requisite 3 inches of space between my butt and the seat while trying to convince tantrum-throwing children to stand still, leave the door lock alone, and–in general– not touch anything. Including those nifty– hey mom, is that some kind of secret bucket thing— sanitary napkin receptacles. Washing hands x 3.

3) At home
Well, this is a my-bad thing. But sometimes I choose to make their lunch first, just to have a chance to go to the bathroom alone. As anyone with their own Small People will tell you, a closed bathroom door is a child magnet, regardless of the Goldfish cracker mountain on their plate.

It’s the out-in-public that is the biggest downer. I’m not scared of public restroom germs, but the effort required in getting all the Small People into one stall? Some days (most) it’s just not worth it. Now if I had a penis? I’d be urinating on the side of the road. Tacky? Perhaps a bit. But oh-so-convenient.

I knew about the laughing/coughing part of post-childbirth incontinence. The not-getting-chance-to-go-thing? I didn’t really factor that into the two-kid equation. Didn’t even consider it would be a big deal. Yes people, these were my deep thoughts today as I rushed home from Chuck E Cheese– really, really needing to potty.

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