The Ambivalent Agnostic

Photo via SqueakyMarmot

Crows live in my neighborhood. A murder of them reside right behind my house.

You might say, “Yeah, so? There are lots of trees; crows are birds and therefore live in trees. What am I missing about this?”

Well…let me tell you a little story about the supernatural and reincarnation, or whatever you want to call it. Considering that my friends (and therefore I assume my readers…ahem) run the gamut of the belief/non-belief spectrum, I imagine there will be a fair bit of eye rolling from either side.

My Dad died on March 11, 2001. He was hospitalized the January before for shortness of breath and lethargy, diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS) a few days later, and died from acute myelogenous leukemia (AML).

His death fucked me up. I could go into dozens of theories about my general state of mind and the correspondence to the identified stages of grief. That’s science and I subscribe to the validity of the scientific process. Or I could just say it fucked me up because that was the worst thing that had happened to me at that time in my life.

The week after his death I started seeing two crows—one big, one smaller—following me everywhere. Those days that I sat completely immersed in my own grief, managing to feel both raw and numb, they would show up. And they have stayed (though the group has grown by one) ever since.

Are there perfectly valid scientific reasons for this? Well, of course. One would be that I live in an area where there are lots of trees. Another would be that crows are a common bird. Ah—science answers all questions, right?

But why two crows (remembering that one was smaller)? Well, I love random associations and symbology and this will require you step into a scattered brain for a minute. My 11 year old cousin, Caleb, died a few years before my father passed away. Caleb, like my father, was born in November. My Dad grew up near the Calcasieu River in Southwest Louisiana and some of our family members told stories of our ancestors being respected by the local Native Americans. The name Calcasieu comes from Atakapan word “quelqueshue”, meaning “crying eagle“. When he was older, my father fought in Vietnam with the 101st Airborne Division, aka “The Screaming Eagles”. Vietnam is where he was exposed to the Agent Orange that caused the cancer that killed him so many years later. Many Native American tribes thought that crows live in the Void, having the ability to be the past, present, and future.

Nice, neat circle of assumptions, eh?

In March 2001, however, my brain and heart needed comfort, not science, and thus my new crow-friends became representative of still having my Dad around in some way. And LO UNTO anyone who dared suggest the scientific reasoning over the supernatural. Poor Joel.

Grief does fade through the years, but no one grieving in the present will believe it. As the grief fades, the constant need for comfort fades too. But my crows…they have stayed.

And when PawPaw (my Dad’s dad) died in November, the two crows found a third.

Sometimes there are more. Hey, even reincarnated crows make new friends. But if I see one, I always see two more. If I’m puzzling over some problem (especially if it relates to fixing or growing something) seeing my trinity of crows helps me to shift my thought process, usually altering my perspective, and sometimes even offering a solution.

Yet even though I can attribute all of this to the supernatural, believing that my family is stalking me in bird-form, I can (now!) also consider the earthly explanations. I can concede (now!) that it is just as likely the whole thing is a coincidence.

And this, my friends, is why I’m agnostic. I like sitting on the fence, alternating between defending my crow-friends and ruefully laughing at myself for even considering anything unworldly. All I know is that whenever I see a crow (or three), I smile. I remember all of my loved ones—not just the paternal representation that initiated the pattern. I think about Grandpa Banner—a chemist, a magician, and the kilt-wearing symbolic representation of my Scottish heritage. I think about Nanny, my paternal grandmother, a feisty red-head with a fierce drive and a crazy-scary talent with needle and thread.

It makes me stop for a minute in a world that moves much too fast and consider where I (and thus my children) came from. It reminds me to tell my children about the family members that they will never meet.

So what if I have assigned a symbolic meaning to crows that many scoff at as ridiculousness. Unless I am demanding that everyone feel the same way about the crow then why should you care?

Ambivalent is how I feel about both believers/non-believers—people are who they are. I’m at peace with however people chose to find comfort, meaning, or purpose until they get pushy, rude, or violent over their truthiness.

4 thoughts on “The Ambivalent Agnostic

  1. Love this blog! I’ve never had the manifestation through natural animals but I have had my own versions of things that pull me up and make me remember vividly those whom I love who have passed on. Whether there is a scientific “explanation” or no is never the point. It’s that comfort is found and we stop to remember. I think sometimes those who wish to judge against or dismiss such situations as having a true possibility of not being coincidences, but a true pattern, forget that not everything can be explained away (yet) due to our still amazing lack of knowledge (for if we had the answers there would be nothing left to learn yes?)

  2. <3 I loved this post Stephanie! For me, it's a dragonfly…similar story with me and my mom and my grandfathers funeral. When my grandfather passed away, at his funeral, there was a dragonfly who came to the gravesite and just kinda 'hung out' for a little bit…just making his presence known. Didn't think THAT much of it at the time.
    In the past 3 years since his death, there have been many moments when I (or mom) have thought of granddad…one time we were on a vacation trip (where granddad would have been in attendance if alive) and we went to a train depot for L to see the trains (something granddad would have LOVED) and there was a lone dragonfly who joined us at the depot…right after the thought of "man, granddad would have loved to be here" entered my head.
    There have been MANY many more occasions just like that one, and I know it's my granddad letting me know he IS still around and looking over us and enjoying things with us. <3

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