Ermahgerd. Save Yourself

Y’all, I took one for the team. Now, I beg of you, learn from my mistake and ermagherd, save yourself.

Like me, you’ll be rushing through a store in search of some cheap– yet heartfelt–valentine’s day gift. In my case, I was at the fabric store buying foam to finish kindergarten seat cushions. Not cheap, but definitely heartfelt.

These will catch your eye; pretty packaging with guarantees of cherry flavor peeking shyly from the shelf, stroking the yearning hunger brewing deep in your belly.

Lecherous temptation spreads, provoked by a thousand fingertips caressing your neck and spine.

Heart pounding a rhythm crying “please, please”, begging for fulfillment.

“Yes. YES”, whispers the package’s now brazen answer. Shy no more, it boldly highlights the sugar-crusted marshmallow, the drizzled chocolate.

Trembling fingers stretch, stroke, and, finally, retrieve the long package. Hidden securely beneath a giant roll of foam, you pay and exit into the cover of the coming nightfall.

Cocooned in a car illuminated by only the soft glow of a distant street light, the muffled sounds of nearby traffic punctuated by the crinkling paper as it drops away like panties on a whore.

Your tongue reaches out for a tentative taste. Stronger now, you commit, biting fully into a treat long denied.

For a moment a low moan of deep satisfaction escapes you, filling the car…

And then… all of the chemicals masking the reality of your confection fall away. Your brain screams, “NOOOOOOoooo…. it’s a trick”, as your throat betrays you with a swallow.


Despite the roar of “that was fucking disgusting”, your hand, obviously consumed with demonic intent, places the second confection into your sticky mouth.

Maybe the second time will be better—- ARRGGGHHHHH. No! Worse! It’s worse!

Don’t do it, people. Save yourself.

NaBloPoMo February 2013

3 thoughts on “Ermahgerd. Save Yourself

  1. I have never heard of Peeps but I have to say, I could not stop laughing in compete understanding at your dilemma. My death is Pepsi. I have been able to stay away from it for a maximum of 10 days, and then I fall again. Today, I cut myself some slack because it is a fairly sweet filled day anyway. When I found myself in my piggy bank looking for enough change to get a bottle, I realized I was right back at it.
    It’s the chemicals, lol. Hope you can stay away from your Peeps.

  2. Oh man, Peeps are turning into that GOTTA COLLECT ‘EM ALL deal. I definitely get all the different types….EVEN IF THEY’RE SO BAD.

    So yeah, I have sinned too. :<

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