Y’all, I took one for the team. Now, I beg of you, learn from my mistake and ermagherd, save yourself.
Like me, you’ll be rushing through a store in search of some cheap– yet heartfelt–valentine’s day gift. In my case, I was at the fabric store buying foam to finish kindergarten seat cushions. Not cheap, but definitely heartfelt.
These will catch your eye; pretty packaging with guarantees of cherry flavor peeking shyly from the shelf, stroking the yearning hunger brewing deep in your belly.
Lecherous temptation spreads, provoked by a thousand fingertips caressing your neck and spine.
Heart pounding a rhythm crying “please, please”, begging for fulfillment.
“Yes. YES”, whispers the package’s now brazen answer. Shy no more, it boldly highlights the sugar-crusted marshmallow, the drizzled chocolate.
Trembling fingers stretch, stroke, and, finally, retrieve the long package. Hidden securely beneath a giant roll of foam, you pay and exit into the cover of the coming nightfall.
Cocooned in a car illuminated by only the soft glow of a distant street light, the muffled sounds of nearby traffic punctuated by the crinkling paper as it drops away like panties on a whore.
Your tongue reaches out for a tentative taste. Stronger now, you commit, biting fully into a treat long denied.
For a moment a low moan of deep satisfaction escapes you, filling the car…
And then… all of the chemicals masking the reality of your confection fall away. Your brain screams, “NOOOOOOoooo…. it’s a trick”, as your throat betrays you with a swallow.
Despite the roar of “that was fucking disgusting”, your hand, obviously consumed with demonic intent, places the second confection into your sticky mouth.
Maybe the second time will be better—- ARRGGGHHHHH. No! Worse! It’s worse!
Don’t do it, people. Save yourself.
The Ermahgerd. Save Yourself by Scattermom, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.