Ermahgerd. Save Yourself

Y’all, I took one for the team. Now, I beg of you, learn from my mistake and ermagherd, save yourself.

Like me, you’ll be rushing through a store in search of some cheap– yet heartfelt–valentine’s day gift. In my case, I was at the fabric store buying foam to finish kindergarten seat cushions. Not cheap, but definitely heartfelt.

These will catch your eye; pretty packaging with guarantees of cherry flavor peeking shyly from the shelf, stroking the yearning hunger brewing deep in your belly.

Lecherous temptation spreads, provoked by a thousand fingertips caressing your neck and spine.

Heart pounding a rhythm crying “please, please”, begging for fulfillment.

“Yes. YES”, whispers the package’s now brazen answer. Shy no more, it boldly highlights the sugar-crusted marshmallow, the drizzled chocolate.

Trembling fingers stretch, stroke, and, finally, retrieve the long package. Hidden securely beneath a giant roll of foam, you pay and exit into the cover of the coming nightfall.

Cocooned in a car illuminated by only the soft glow of a distant street light, the muffled sounds of nearby traffic punctuated by the crinkling paper as it drops away like panties on a whore.

Your tongue reaches out for a tentative taste. Stronger now, you commit, biting fully into a treat long denied.

For a moment a low moan of deep satisfaction escapes you, filling the car…

And then… all of the chemicals masking the reality of your confection fall away. Your brain screams, “NOOOOOOoooo…. it’s a trick”, as your throat betrays you with a swallow.

ermahgerd

Despite the roar of “that was fucking disgusting”, your hand, obviously consumed with demonic intent, places the second confection into your sticky mouth.

Maybe the second time will be better—- ARRGGGHHHHH. No! Worse! It’s worse!

Don’t do it, people. Save yourself.

NaBloPoMo February 2013

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Ermahgerd. Save Yourself by Scattermom, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

  • http://www.facebook.com/roxana.nunez Roxana Nunez

    I have never heard of Peeps but I have to say, I could not stop laughing in compete understanding at your dilemma. My death is Pepsi. I have been able to stay away from it for a maximum of 10 days, and then I fall again. Today, I cut myself some slack because it is a fairly sweet filled day anyway. When I found myself in my piggy bank looking for enough change to get a bottle, I realized I was right back at it.
    It’s the chemicals, lol. Hope you can stay away from your Peeps.

  • http://undeci.de/ Sara

    Oh man, Peeps are turning into that GOTTA COLLECT ‘EM ALL deal. I definitely get all the different types….EVEN IF THEY’RE SO BAD.

    So yeah, I have sinned too. :<

  • http://twitter.com/goodgirlgonered Andrea B

    Ugh. I’m a Peeps addict, and yet I can’t seem to bring myself to buy them any other time of the year except Easter time. :>