How Did This Happen?

Once upon a time (or 9 years ago, yesterday) a girl married this boy. Within her own little micro-culture, she was well known as a commitment-phobic feminist who wanted nothing to do with marriage, having/raising kids, or station wagons. She would roll eyes when other girls included “having babies” as a life priority.

Imagine her surprise when she woke up one day with all of the above. Luckily, she (yes, it’s me–how did you know?) somehow managed to avoid all of the rest of the BS involved with…

Oh, who am I kidding? Just getting slightly excited about an internet find resulted in an hour spent slicing apples, kiwis and bagels so that 15 preschool-aged children could make the Easy Halloween Owl Treats.

And yes, though about half of the children both created and ate owls, my kid didn’t. And because Hoot took so much of my time, both before school, and during his special time at school, I count it as a fail. Well that, and the McDs drive-thru on the way home.

However, before crazy Martha-Stewart-Wannabe-Mom showed up, the boys and I spent an hour (a Quality Time win, for sure) studying a tiny little worm crawling across the train table. Never, ever–and I mean really don’t— google images of “tiny white worm”.

Though, now that I know what it is– an Indian Meal Moth larva, I feel better. Wait! NOTSOMUCH Seriously? I do NOT have time to deal with my pantry being invaded! Have I not met the lifetime quota for invasions? Between the starlings and squirrels that have been in the attic, the black widows, the voles?

That it’s possible that my re-purposing of the ever-growing acorn collection Halloween decorations might have been how he got in here? Just the icing on the big ol’ irony cake that is my life.

Instead of cleaning every square inch of my kitchen (as the entire left side of my face seizes in panic), I am supposed to:

  • Finish Halloween costumes. Yesterday E attempted to sew his Batman Dark Knight costume without me. He managed to get the shirt jammed under the presser foot and the machine turned on, but was thwarted by threading the needle. The One Who Tattles About All Things was engrossed in a Captain Underpants comic book 2 feet away and never noticed a thing. Note to Self: Must purchase more Captain Underpants books.

  • Figure out which schools I want them to attend from kindergarten until college and fill out applications. Now. Like it’s college, only it’s kindergarten.
  • Two Birthday parties to plan and execute.
  • A fence/gate to replace the one I had JB take down, after years of watching it lean finally popped a blood vessel. Shhh, really quietly—> Somewhere the crazy part of my brain actually thinks we can get the house painted in the next month. I mean, it’s mostly brick… But since it took 5 hours to clean the storm windows, re-glaze and touch up caulk on just 3 windows… Crazy Brain is going to be disappointed and confused. Again.
  • 6 children to whom we owe birthday presents and visits. Preferably before sending same children invitations to my children’s birthday party. Because in my mind that somehow qualifies as more tacky than being 6 months behind on a gift.
  • Training for another running race, since my pulled ass muscle slowed down my training enough that I missed my Half Marathon.
  • Starting karate lessons for Zach. Then, because I have an over-developed sense of fairness, enrolling Elliot in something. So let’s add driving to these places to my expanding list.

Then it will be:

  • ACC Basketball (not only do I enjoy the basketball, I lose my husband for a few months.)
  • Thanksgiving
  • Christmas

Oh. And spend time with our kids, our extended family, and our friends. With each other.

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